Spring is here, and its time to acknowledge the realities … those who have put off dating “for a while” are being goaded, by their sensibilities, and their local weather, to take on a challenge that few anticipating facing at this point in life. Dating over 50 women is a lot like dating women under 50. There are some differences. And yes it can be done.
Try to Think Back to the Way it Was … It Resembles that. Really.
The first thing is to acknowledge that a lot of the situation hasn’t completely changed. You are still a person looking for romantic interest, in a person who probably is looking for the same. It should be easy, right?
I don’t know. How have things changed?
- More freedom. The fact is, people over 50 usually have more freedom to do what they want This can mean you might find it harder to compromise on housing, vacation, dinner places … it might. It might not.
- We’re no longer trying to build a life with someone, we’ve already got a life and we’re trying to find someone whose like can fit with ours. This may be the biggest challenge.
- We have baggage. I’ll never forget the Match.com profile where the guy said “We’ve all got baggage. Mine comes neatly packed into a nice carry on … ” I wasn’t sure but I suspected that mine would take a steamer trunk.
- We’ve got children and family. They feel like they should have a vote on all this. They don’t, actually, but the fact that they want one can be a challenge.
- We’re self conscious. Both women and men are self conscious at this age. Some more than others, but everyone has something to worry about. We were probably worried that we wouldn’t be accepted when we were young, but now … can someone really love us as we are? Nora Ephron famously wrote, “Will I still be able to find someone to love me with my extra 15 pounds and my cesarean scars?” Dating over 50 women means you’ll have to overcome this self consciousness, in yourself and in others.
Saturday Night and I Ain’t Got Nobody
Remember that old song, Another Saturday Night? Sam Cooke sang that “if I could meet ’em I could get em, but as yet I haven’t met ’em, I’m in an awful way.” But is this really true? Actually, the world is full of people. And most of the time, you can meet them if you really want to. I suppose it can be hard to go from sighting someone at the market to going out to coffee.
How (Where?) to Meet Somebody?
I already wrote elsewhere about places to meet guys over 50 and it’s not as if the places to meet women over 50 is much different.
Most people use dating apps. Then they talk about how they wish they would meet someone in person instead. It’s been said that at this stage of life, we’re more selective. We know what seems like a winning prospect and what our dealbreakers are. Most of us are confident, that there’s got to be a right fit person out there somewhere. We just aren’t quite sure how to find them. The thing is …
We’re Not in High School (or College) Anymore
A lot of people met their original spouse in high school or college. If you look at the math of that, you might find it interesting. A 5-A high school has about 1600 students (give or take) or 400 in a grade. That means, roughly, you would have had a potential date pool somewhere around 200 people during high school. You might meet some in older or younger grades, but generally, that’s how many possibles there were.
In college, if you took four classes a semester, with 25 students in each, you might have the opportunity to meet or at least catch sight of … around a hundred potential dates per year. (You’d be in class with some 200 students each year, but only half would be your preferred gender).
What I’m trying to get at here is that for people over 50, the number of potential dates you meet is tiny. Especially, if like me, you’re a woman and work in an elementary school. So going on a dating app allows you to re-create the range of potential dates (possibly) that you had when you were younger. That said, it’s possible that you have more in common with people who went to high school or college with you than those you match up with online.
But if you want to make a good match, I’m going to say you’ve got to have a plan for meeting more that the other people at work. You could go to bars, of course, that’s the old fashioned way, but some of us don’t drink and never did, and others of us have had to stop. Plus, the people who found their mates in a bar … are a mixed bunch. Let’s just say that finding a mate in a public house and being successful with it makes you a savvy consumer.
But Isn’t There Some Other Way?
Well, yes, there is. You can go on a dating app. Or, alternatively, you could go to a lot of events on a site called Meetup.com. On Meetup you have the opportunity to go on outings with preferred activities and often preferred age groups. The range of activities and people is staggering. It’s true, some groups are toxic or even boring, but overall I have found Meetup to be a good source of social life. For actual people I would be willing to go to dinner with, however, Match.com still reigns supreme
Do Women Have the Upper Hand in Online Dating?
You know, I have heard that said, most recently by my son Andrew who is 20. Guys are always saying women have the upper hand. When I was young, I heard men complain about having to ask women on dates, having to pay for dates, having women turn them down for dates … I am sorry guys, this hasn’t changed. The fact is, we woman require this type of interaction to make sure that anyone we go on a date with has a snowball’s change in hell of being someone we can take seriously over the long run. Most of us aren’t really interested in the old 70’s short-term (overnight) deal anymore. Unfortunately, when some guy really thinks you like him, and you don’t, politely declining an invitation is actually the least painful way of dealing with the situation. As the Doobie Brothers famously sung, “what a fool believes, no wise man has the power to reason away.” There is no easy way to deal with mismatched attraction. It’s always tough.
Maybe you’re not convinced. I’m sorry if that’s the case. But I promise you that women are no more comfortable with their role then men are. We are in the position of possibly never getting asked out by the men we are really interested in, and if we ask them out, we may be vulnerable to being treated poorly or casually. So actually, there is no winner in this aspect of the war of the sexes. There’s just the individuals who complain, and the ones who get on with life.
What Is She Looking for, When You’re Dating Over 50 Women?
Well, this is the thing. Its a lot of the same stuff — personality, excitement, shared interests, social position, physical attraction — but all as it related to this age group. We might have pet peeves that we didn’t have thirty years ago. We might have interests we didn’t have. And we might have no-go zones. Mine is … men younger than me, or who won’t wash dishes, or who don’t read books.
I actually wrote a long post about what women are looking for in a man, which is here. I didn’t share it at the time I wrote it, it seemed so personal. But I did show it to one guy on Match, and he read it. And several other pages of the blog. Unfortunately, that guy was a “dating around” type, it turned out when we finally had coffee. “Dating around” is another dealbreaker I have. I’m just funny that way.
Rev Gary Davis: “She come in one day with her face in a frown, she don’t want any other woman hanging around … she ain’t crazy, she just funny that way …She’s a one man woman. She wants a one-woman man.”
Well put, Gary. No truer words were ever said of me.
