It Started with a Water Cooler Conversation
How did I come up with the question of my non negotiables for a successful relationship? A couple of friends at work were talking about this today. “Me and my husband were sharing our non-negotiables,” said Letty, mother of three, a 30-year-old rising career woman.
“What are non-negotiables?” I asked
“You know, the things you’re not willing to compromise on,” she said.
She didn’t say whether she was talking about her life in general or her relationship but when I think about these things, being single, I think about relationships right away.
My Non Negotiables for a Successful Relationship
My non-negotiables have changed over the years. I no longer am worried very much about things like religion or how much money he makes because I have my own money. Although it would be embarrassing if he was really scraping the bottom of the barrel. It seems to me that picking someone who is a musician has now failed twice so I’m not going to be looking for that.
Family background, for example having an intact nuclear family of origin, used to be important to me but it seems somewhat irrelevant these days. Looking back on the things that were done in our family by the people that had that background. And as for having green eyes, well, attractive eye color doesn’t seem to me to be a have to anymore.
It wouldn’t come amiss even now of course.
What are my non-negotiables?
Number one he’s got to be honest, fully present.
Number two he has got to be really really into me I don’t know if this will prevent anyone from ever qualifying for the position of Susan’s new boyfriend … but there it is. I don’t want anyone who’s not sure. He’s got to be 100% on board for the relationship.
Savoir Faire. He’s going to have some kind of coolness. I think this is rather weird but if he doesn’t know how to ski or at least hike he’s got at least have the ability to go to art museums or wear good looking clothes or find a good restaurant or explain complicated scientific theorems or take me on a beach vacation or be able to understand and explain people’s family background problems. I need excitement. Boring guys need not apply. Sorry.
Reads Books.It would be really hard to date someone at this point who doesn’t read books. My first husband Greg got away with that but I didn’t know it at the time. I got involved with him in high school and his family didn’t have a television. And back then he did read books. But as soon as Greg got a TV (my mom bought it) the books were out the window. Wow.New beau has to read books. Also should know about the requisite newspapers such as the New York Times, the Atlantic the Guardian, … I don’t know maybe this is the same old stupidity. I remember thinking when I met Leo that if this new guy did not drink coffee forget it. And there I was Leo drank coffee so I had that covered but what about the rest of…
Later I found out he started drinking coffee because I did.
Interlude: Nora Ephron Explains it All for You
This breaks me down into my old refrain: Nora Ephron said “everyone is the one person you should never get involved with … “
Number 5 Non-Negotiable is he’s really emotionally there, I mean, in general, for everybody. This is going to be hard to make sure about because as we all know from reading the narcissist cycle of articles about what narcissists do and thus why your relationship went bad, narcissists and other people who don’t really care about you are very adept at covering that up. However I recommend you read this article so that you will be able to discover whether your prospect actually is emotionally available.
Restate: He Must Not Consider You a “Thing”
There’s nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone and realizing one morning that he doesn’t actually know whether you’re alive or not. Interiorly speaking.
So there you have it, my five non-negotiables for a relationship. I know, maybe you’re still on “must be my same religion” and “we have to have chemistry” but if you go beyond all the simple check boxes, I think my five are would be good for a lot of people. If you look them over you will see that most of the causes for relationship disaster have been ruled out.
All The Problems my Non-Negotiables Rule Out
- If he’s honest, he won’t get into trouble with other women or playing the stock market behind your back or whatever.
- If he’s got savoir-faire you won’t get bored … you’ll stay interested because he’s interesting.
- Reads books. Well, if he reads books, he will be a lifelong learner, less boring, more knowledgeable and fun. Right?
- If he’s really into you, he won’t do a bad job of being in the relationship. Unless he’s like, an addict of some type. I guess I should have put “not an addict” on here. But it’s five non negotiables, not six so …
- Number five is kindof a restate of number one, but actually it’s so important it should probably *be* the beginning and the end. Honesty and character are make or break. Just watch out for the covert narcissists. They try to trick you into believing that they’re a good person. When they’re not.
And that’s my 5 Non Negotiables for a Successful Relationship. If you’re interested for my thoughts on How to Be a Successful Woman in Life, I’ve got that too. But it’s a slightly different focus. Kids and husband … weirdly not required.
