Definition of Loyalty: the quality, or state, or an instance of being loyal. Definition of Loyal: Unswerving in allegiance, whether to country, person, or cause. From Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary.
How loyal do you have to be? Is your loyalty something that is required to be “a good person” even if loyalty demands you do what’s not right?
I began thinking about this during the summer, when in the library I happened upon The Red Collar, a book by Jean Christophe Rufin. The book jacket had the tagline “What is loyalty?” On the book was pictured a dog wearing a collar with the legion of Honor medal attached. The dog looks furtively ahead.
I like dogs so I brought the book home. I found out the book was only partly about the dog. The dog’s loyalty is the “frame” for questions of loyalty among humans. These range from loyalty to one’s country, to one’s leaders, to one’s true love … and what to do when these bonds of loyalty are broken. In particular, a woman’s loyalty is at issue. Had I known that, I might have skipped reading the book, but by the time I realized what the story was about I was hooked. I had to find out how it all turned out.
Being Loyal Demands Character …
Being truly loyal demands that you have character, certainly. You have to be able to think about what other people may need, and you have to care about that. At the extreme end of loyalty, you have to place other people’s needs ahead of your own. And you can’t promise more than you can deliver. Sometimes, however, even people who are good in character and intention get into situations where their loyalty is questioned. Even when it’s not really fair.
When I was young I didn’t think that could happen. But now I see that misunderstandings are frequent in this life. In the book The Red Collar, a compassionate and intelligent judge manages to unravel the questions that the dog’s behavior raises. But who is watching over the rest of us?
Sometimes Others Lack Character
And what if you’re unflinchingly loyal and someone else is disloyal? Is loyalty only required if someone is loyal to you or do you pledges hold even when the other person doesn’t hold them?
The picture of the dog in The Red Collar haunted me. The dog seemed to be worried, or nervous, or just forbearing. The picture came up in my mind as I went about my day. I finished the book. More about that anon.
In the fall I found a Cervantes quote during Spanish awareness month. “Nobody can disrupt true friendship.”
There is wisdom in this, of course, and yet I worry: what is true friendship that cannot be disrupted by other people’s meddling?
You see where I’m going with this. What happened to those relationships which were supposed to be characterized by sacred loyalties in my life? Is what happened all my fault?
And I hope the answer might be no, not my fault. In particular, I worry about the divorce.
To Thine Own Self Be True?
I have long loved that Shakespeare quote, “to thine own self be true then you will find you can’t be false any other man.” But I also know, the character who speaks it is smug and self-satisfied, and quite possibly dishonest. So … can we really rely on his maxim? I’m going to read up on this topic and get back to this post after reading more.
Later That Day …
The question that really bothers me is whether you can be loyal if others are disloyal. I guess it’s obvious that you can (I did it for decades) but is it actually a good idea?
This blog post on Verywell Mind talks about the fact that there are various places you can be loyal and various people to be loyal to in different ways. Loyalty is not always an asset, according to the writer, and sometimes the characteristic can be used against you: “Loyalty can be harmful when your allegiance to the other person becomes consistently detrimental to you.” Ohhh.
This really bothers me! I don’t like to think that my loyalty makes me vulnerable to being manipulated or used! Yet looking through my past, there are relationships, and not just one or two, that I think may have been exploitative. The critical characteristic of these unhealthy relationships that I was able to recognize was always the same. I noticed that some people were not happy when I had some personal triumph or success.
Some areas of loyalty to consider, in yourself and others:
Loyalty in the workplace
It’s important to have loyalty to your workplace because if not the job doesn’t get done! In teaching, for example, it’s important not to get sucked into drama around the teachers or the students or passive rebellions against the principal, which are common. I remember when I was teaching in Houston a new book about being an administrator came out called “Surviving the School Leadership Shark Tank.” The theme was that if you go into school leadership some people will want you to fail regardless of whether you deserve to or not.
When I announced I was going to study for admin I noticed that many of my friends at work seemed to take a step back.It was almost like they were thinking ”friends don’t let friends become administrators.” I wondered about their loyalty then. After all, I was their friend. I probably wouldn’t be in leadership at our building, but if I was, didn’t they trust me to keep watching out for them even from a different position?
An article from a US Air Force Base in Charleston asks what does loyalty mean to you?
I expect the US military takes a pretty stern view of loyalty. “When given a task you should do your best to meet expectations and always support the decisions of those you work for even if you don’t agree.” However: “There is a line and loyalty stops when those decisions are illegal…” Well that’s the military for you but the master sergeant who wrote it was serious. For this commentator, being loyal to others is putting your priorities in order. The assessment is that loyalty is always indicated unless the other person is clearly in the wrong.
Loyalty in the Bible
I’m sure you’re not surprised to hear that loyalty is supported in the Bible. Loyalty to your children, loyalty to your parents, and yes loyalty to your spouse. That said, verses like Ephesians 6:1 and 1 Timothy 3:11 and Proverbs 5:15 to 23 do not go particularly deep. Honor your father and your mother, drink at your own well, women shouldn’t gossip … I didn’t find any specific consequences for those who waffled on their loyalties. Perhaps the Bible uses … nuance? More further along.
Loyalty from Urban Dictionary
‘You know that Urban Dictionary is where we’re keepin’ it real. Urban Dictionary’s version of loyalty is very straightforward. Yet it’s not what I’d call cut and dried. Consider: “Loyalty: 1. Making something or someone a priority and doing so in small and discrete but meaningful ways.”‘
Loyalty Test
My researches on Loyalty brought me to the idea of a Loyalty Test.
This is a new thing where you find someone to try to hit up your significant other to see if they are loyal to you.
When I read about this I had to read it twice. Surely this wasn’t something more than one or two people in New York City were doing? But no, there’s a whole industry. Loyalty-Test will hit up your significant other and see if they are available … the one profile I checked, prices start at $80.
I am speechless friends, just speechless. Also having visions of a man calling up the loyalty test saying “Look I’ve got this girlfriend and I just don’t know if she’s really into me so could you call her up ask her out and if it works then I’ll know I should dump her?”
This scenario just shows you how serious breaches of loyalty can be for the person who’s treated with disloyalty.
This loyalty test did not go well, I’m sorry to say.
Loyalty in Relationships
I am of course talking about love relationships.
What is loyalty in the love relationship? Well it seems to me if you have to ask you don’t have it. Love means never having to say you’re sorry right? Well love also means never having to worry that they’re somewhere else. I mean, if you have to ask …
The above video is just too much.
Back to the Red Collar
I go back to the book, The Red Collar, that this whole reflection started with. I could explain the story and tell how it ended, but what I’d like to say that was important to me was how deeply the characters were attached … and yet, when there was a suspicion of disloyalty, only a suspicion, it threw a lifetime relationship, and a child’s welfare, into jeopardy. So let’s remember, it’s not always that you catch someone being disloyal. Sometimes you think they’re disloyal, and they’re not. Sometimes someone *else* set the person up, making unsupported conjectures … and the whole relationship collapses. It can happen.
As for my own questions about whether you must be loyal to people who exploit you, it probably says a lot about me that’s I’m still thinking about this. I guess the answer to that is in the Verywell Mind post. It’s also in the Bible, interestingly, where Jesus says loyalty is owed to God first, and people, even family, second (Luke 14:26). It would seem that there are times when you can’t afford to be loyal.
This would suggest a hierarchy of loyalties, where loyalty to God is first, (this would jive with the Master Sergeant’s claim that you must do what’s right before loyalty) and then to someone really important, such as an immediate family member, and then to less important persons. That said, we are always required to do what’s right … so loyalty can be invalidated when loyalty is being used to try to force you to do something wrong. Especially when it goes on for a long time.
True Friends Can Be Found.
I believe true friends are out there. Clearly Cervantes, the great author, and student of human character, believed this too. Loyalty is out there. I will close this with the song that’s what friends are for. May you find a friend that is worthy of such sentiments.
