I decided to try another “question post” to follow last week’s What is the Goal of Life. Searching Google for answers as to “What do Women Want in a Man” I found posts, but many of them were slightly off topic, or unclear. Two stood out:
First, this recent blog post from Mantelligence on what women want in a man is coherent and understandable. Yet it leads all over the place … yes, we women do want intelligence and respectability, but do we require cologne and the right watch? I don’t. Yet, given what I’ve heard on the dating scene, every man has been reading the Mantelligence blog post (ranked number one). How many times have I been told, “oh, I love to travel” and “Yes, I can cook,” (both of which the blog post claims women want to hear) followed by … the list of meals he can cook. Then there’s the places he’s been.
All this seems like window dressing to me.
No I am not looking for a traveling valet.
Next, this list from Bride’s is a little bit better. It encompasses a couple of things I listed recently when asked “what do women want in a man,” confidence, trustworthiness, integrity … of course we want all those things.
The Foundation
Finally, I don’t know if the Bride’s list really fleshed out the question the way I wanted it seen. Upon reflection, and having read a fair number of profiles on Match.com, I came up with a three tier system of what women want. First, there’s the Foundation. The deal breakers. Which things, if the guy can’t do them, are you just like “okay, check please?” These are conditions which are largely factual instead of emotional. A third party could tell if he has them or not. They include:
- Physical attractiveness. I’m only speaking for myself here, but if that’s not in place, it’s not happening. Some of this is grooming, and some of this is exercise and eating well, and some of it is just universal gut instinct.
- Financial security. At my stage of life, we’re talking about either a job or an independent income. He’s got to be able to pay for everything he needs and then some. I have a hard enough time paying for my own stuff, I cannot be responsible for buying him a boat or even a suit of clothes. Self supporting.
- Intelligence: you can see whether a guy has this in his writing. Sophistication of sentences, types of ideas, vocabulary is a huge indicator of being smart. He has to match your intelligence. Some women (and yes I am one) would say they would prefer if he could exceed their intelligence. At least on some subjects.
- He can identify his place in the world: this means a home, probably a job, a town he’s from, a culture he belongs to. He’s connected to the ground he walks on. Thus, he knows who he is, where he came from, where he’s going. He’s not hiding anything, His bona fides are in place.
The Look For’s
Then there’s the Look For’s. These are the things that, once he gets his foot in the proverbial door, and has gotten you to talk to him, he will have to demonstrate in order to get somewhere romantically. In general, these are more subjective, but they are also somewhat choices on his part. Specifically, he could work on developing the Look For’s.
- Trustworthiness. Honesty. He is where he says he’ll be, he does what he says he’ll do, and all that. Without trust, love cannot flourish. An untrustworthy guy is worth about as much as a bucket with a hole in it.
- He’s a good communicator. This guy can hold a conversation. This is, after all, what most of your relationship is going to be, talking to each other. He has to be able to be interesting and he has to know some stuff. Otherwise, I will die of boredom before the month is out.
- He cares, he thinks about others. The most obvious way this works is he opens doors, he pays the bill, and listens to what you’re saying, even, he dresses with style and neatness. All these things show he is concerned with how he’s impacting the world. But there are other ways you can see this. In particular, is he listening when you speak, and then, is he responding intelligently to what you are saying? Or is he just rushing on to his next point?
- He’s creative, he solves problems. Early in the relationship it might be hard to see him doing this but if you hear his stories, you’ll begin to see whether he is someone to whom other people look to for help and support, or whether he’s a lone wolf who doesn’t pull his weight. That his phone is ringing is actually a good sign. People call you for what they know you’ll do for them. If they’re calling, that means he’s a doer.
- Family: I don’t know what his family is like, but they have to respect and support him. Or if not, he needs to have a good story as to why he’s the good guy in all this.
- Friends: He needs to have friends around him, if not, where did they go, what did he do?
The Mystical
I look over the list. What do women want in a man? I guess this is a start. Of course, then there’s the final tier: The Mystical. All women want to get to this place sometimes, and if they won’t admit it, I would assert they are not being honest with themselves. But it doesn’t happen with every guy who meets the criteria of the Foundation and the Look For’s. It’s something else. You don’t see it coming. Generally, however, it will only be allowed to happen if the Foundation and Look For’s are in place.
- You feel drawn to him, you want to spend time together. You want everyone else to leave. These other people, they are in the way.
- You feel safe with him. He has won your trust. Everything is just as it should be when you’re together. Time, as they say, flies.
- You want to make sure he’s okay, to take care of him. You try to show him that you can be that person for him. You hope he sees this too. You know that you cannot demand this, you can only hope.
- The level of your interest conquers your desire to protect yourself from risk. Vulnerability ensues. The boundaries are down. This is what love is all about.
- At that point, it’s up to him … will he pick up his end of the rope?
Let’s Quickly Refer to Star Trek for Clarification
Originally, it was Mr. Spock, in The Original Star Trek episode “Mirror,” who said “No man can summon the future.” Or woman. This is important to remember for all of those who are looking for love. We cannot, through dating apps or mutual friends, exercise regimens or belonging to clubs, fix a time and a place and say “this is when love will happen for me.”
Because love, of course, has a mind of its own. This is why it’s so elusive, and so highly sought. I put in the “Mirror Mirror” “No Man Can Summon … ” clip below in case anyone is interested. By the way, Captain Kirk possesses the Foundation and the Look For’s in spades. But even so, the actor who portrayed him, William Shatner, had his bad days with love. At one point his original wife (of four total) took his three daughters with her and divorced him, leaving him to live in a travel trailer in a friend’s driveway.
Does Love Conquer All?
As the Latin poet Virgil said, “Love Conquers All.” But the correct translation is more like “All are laid waste by love.” Just remember that. You can’t always win.
That said, guys, if you don’t have the Foundation and the Look For’s, you probably won’t get far enough to be conquered by love, you’ll never get started with it in the first place, and all you will be able to do is go on Reddit and join the Incels. But that’s another story.
So: in the Long form what women want in a man is the Foundation, the Look For’s, and the Mystical Part.
And: in the Short form: More like Captain Kirk.
You heard it here first.