This week I continued teaching summer school, which went well. I did not get off match.com, and will cover that in a separate post later this weekend. And I realize that, while it’s true things are so much better than they were, I’m still getting over all the stuff that happened 18 months since the divorce. More family drama happened this week.
Another Bad Phone Call. My Brother. When Will It All End?
My brother called me on Monday and told me that he had heard that I wasn’t speaking to Mom and this was a problem for me attending his son, my nephew’s, wedding. I said “What?”
He said no drama at weddings. Of course I objected. There wouldn’t be any drama, especially since Mom had said she wasn’t going. But I guess she had changed her mind, would now bestir herself and go … and Noah wanted me to know that the whole situation was my fault because I’d taken the money from my inheritance, from my mother to pay Leo off for the house. And this was the real reason that Mom and I couldn’t get along. Money.
What?
The House Money – Was I Right or Wrong?
18 months since the divorce, I personally feel taking the money for the house was a shrewd move on my part because although my mom’s estate will pay less to me in inheritance – since I’m now being disinherited, she paid only about 1/3 of the money she’s been hanging over my head for the last 20 years – I’m not vulnerable to be manipulated by her anymore. Go me. But Noah is still back in “you see what trouble exchanging money between family members can cause” mode. I think he’s completely out of touch with the realities of dealing with Mom.
My Hypocritical Brother
Looking back I think about all the money that Noah took from my grandparents and uncle and Mom years ago, and I feel like I want to throw up at his hypocrisy. Help from the family is okay when it’s for him, but it’s not for me or my younger brother.
My own new solution that I just cut ties with them and forget the oft-dangled inheritance money seems to me to be an impressive slicing through of the Gordian knot. But Noah apparently isn’t sure. Apparently I should feel bad for protecting myself from Mom this way.
The Conversation Got Heated.
Noah said he was going to call my kids and see how *they* felt about my fight with their grandmother. “Knock yourself out,” I said, “Start with Tiara.”
Tiara of course is right there with me. Mom has insulted her repeatedly – most recently, after offering to host one of the grandkids’ birthday parties, Mom cancelled that two days before the event because one of Leo’s friends was in town and she wanted to see him instead!
18 Months Since the Divorce, Mom’s Behavior is Getting More Hostile
Bob and Tiara were shocked and hurt strategically as well. Next Mom wanted to bring one of Leo’s friends to Tiara’s house to see the newborn. And before that Mom tried to guilt Tiara into putting Leo up in her house at Easter.
Are you following all this? I do feel I’m sounding a bit shrill. But if this blog is still about divorce, this is the kind of stuff that can happen. Your family can turn on you. I don’t even think it’s unusual.
And yet – it was okay. I texted Noah and documented some of the objectionable content of our conversation, noted that I’d never caused trouble at a wedding before. He wrote back and said he’d think about it. And I quietly acknowledged to myself that attending the wedding was pretty much out of the question for me at this point. I mean, who would go to a party where they so clearly weren’t wanted, even if the host, afraid of being criticized for excluding you explicitly, makes it clear in secret that he doesn’t want you to come?
Escape from All Those Drama Queens
I wonder if I’m about to lose whatever relationship I had with Noah over all this.
How do I feel?
Win to Lose
Well … I know this is strange, but I feel, as the British say: “Win to lose.” The disrespect I’ve suffered from those drama queens in the old town back in the Midwest has been lifelong, in fact, the drama I know about began before I was born, it was ongoing between my grandparents and my dad when he left home.
I think about Randa and how she says relationships should not be entered into because of needs, but should be mutually supportive and mutually sought for the friendship itself. I don’t know what needs either I or Noah are satisfying for each other. But I do know this relationship is not mutually supportive and sought for its own joys. I told a friend this week, “Well, you know, my family doesn’t have relationships, they take prisoners.”
18 months since the divorce, it’s time for this prisoner to make a run for it.
So. Win to Lose. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Match.com? I’ll put up a separate update before the weekend is over.