I have to admit I am incompletely satisfied with a post I just read on “what women want in a man.” Long, discursive, and ultimately unsatisfying to me, I wondered if the author had skirted the issue. Maybe what women want is not the issue. Maybe one needs to look at what women expect or need. We might consider: Men Women Will Never Leave. And why.
Earlier this week, I was explaining to a friend that we have three of them in my family, those men women will never leave, actually, including my brother, my son, and my cousin. What do these men whose wives will never leave have in common?
Handsome is as Handsome Does
First of all, it’s worth saying, these guys are tall and handsome. I don’t know if this is operative, but it might be. That said, there are plenty of guys who were abandoned who were tall and handsome. So it can’t just be that.
Wife’s Needs Are Important
Each one of these men women will never leave places his wife’s needs very high. He will, whether he wants to or not, drop what he’s doing if his wife is in need. One memory I have is of my son, in the midst of a crisis, stopped because his wife was calling. He then picked up the phone and reassured her that all was well, he was on his way back.
Likewise, my brother sets limits on his life based on what his wife thinks should be done. He doesn’t have house guests if she doesn’t want them. He follows a schedule they agree on.
Live and Let Live
Next, these guys let their wives live the lives the women want. They do this in several ways. They are good workers and good earners. Rarely or never unemployed or out of work. They don’t spend excessively, they are sober with money. And they don’t believe they should be telling adult women how to live. Some such wives choose to stay at home with children, decorate, and go to lunch. Others wish to have a job. Either way, these husbands allow their wives control over their own activities and directions.
They are respectable in the outside world. These are men who are known in their place of business and their families as stand-up guys who get the job done. Their wives appreciate the security of knowing that their husbands are respected. This is balm to a woman’s safety-seeking soul. Not only does *she* feel safe around him, but the opinion of her community confirms that she is right. He is a solid citizen. She can relax.
Active Alcoholism, No Thank You. Chronic Chaos, No.
It’s probably no surprise that these guys do not have an addiction or a personality disorder. That kind of thing wears women out!
They work hard and they stay out of trouble. None of these guys is what I would call a party animal. Any more. They like to hang out with friends and go to events, sure, but you will not find them passed out on a beach or living room floor surrounded by red solo cups. It’s not that they’ve never been to such events, they just know that now that they’re married that stuff has to stop.
They take care of themselves, dress nicely, exercise, get their hair cut, and consider their health, not just for themselves, but for their spouse.
If they have them, they really love their children and sacrifice for the children’s well-being.
I go over this list. I wonder if that covers it.
Descriptors of men women will never leave
- Places wife’s needs very high.
- Lets wife live the life she wants.
- Is respectable in the outside world. (Nicolas Forero talks about young guys who sit there and play video games. Of course no woman wants such a guy. It’s not practical, it’s not remunerative, it’s not respectable, it’s a “don’t walk, run” situation. Kind of like if you saw a guy passed out under a tree with a bottle of wine.)
- Does not have an addiction or a personality disorder.
- Takes care of himself
- Loves his children and will sacrifice for them.
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Three Years Later
Three years later, I look at this post and wonder … do I still believe this? Yes, after a quick edit I do. But I’d put it differently now.
To create a successful relationship, you’ve got to do two things. You’ve got to be a person who can sustain such a relationship, and you’ve got to find another person who can do the same.
I think the problems we face are often our confusion of boundaries. We think we can change someone. Or we think “it’s all their fault.” Humility is critical in a relationship and beginning to see your part in it all is part of the deal.
But at the very beginning, you have got to be that person yourself, and find someone else who can be that person as well.
