Finally, spring is here. You open the windows and smell the magical smell.. But what to do if springtime you brings ennui … even self doubt?
Perhaps my doubt comes from the late, even unreliable, spring of Northern Colorado. Even when it does show up, you can’t be totally sure it will stay. There can be late snow storms. You worry about putting away your boots, your long coat. You plan to wear a new spring dress in April but on the day there is a sleet storm. Not until May can you start to relax your vigilance against winter. In May you can wear loafers with no socks. And a jean jacket instead of a ski jacket.
We Have Four Seasons Here
I’ve lived in plenty of regions where they don’t have four seasons. The most obvious being California, but Texas is right in there too. People who are devoted to the snowy lands say that having four seasons means a lot to them. Changing seasons, they claim, intensify their enjoyment of everything. So why do I feel this ennui?
Tulip Time
The yards in the neighborhood are full of tulips. There are reds, yellows, purples. Striped ones, parrot tulips with fringed edges. And daffodils. The trees are blooming, including the redbud in the front yard. It’s impossible to not be impressed by so much beauty. But there is also a tug of sadness at knowing tulip time is so brief.
Putting the Skis Away
This weekend I put the skis away. They had been sitting against the wall in the living room. I had to admit there would be no more skiing when the bulbs began to come up. The Nordic Center at Happy Jack in Wyoming had their closing potluck. My skiing days weren’t as many as hoped. Six or so. Snow was not particularly plentiful this year and grad school and the trip to California took up so many weekends. I put hope in the skiing and snow of next year. Which is a long way off.
There are Many Things to do in Springtime
There are various things you should probably do in springtime. Things like, clean out the garage, plant a garden. Fertilize the lawn. Put out the patio set. Uncover the swamp cooler. Mow the law for the first time of the year. Buy new clothes.
The hiking group has resumed hikes, with new members. There is optimism in the air. Today we will set off to the Greyrock trail.
In Springtime, Schools Experience Staff Migration
Springtime is the time when teachers look for a new job. Those who are interested in changing schools begin circulating resumes around Easter and now, in May, many of my friends at school have announced that they are moving to another school. It can be a tough time for teacher friends who are staying in the same building. It is also tough for principals, seeing top staff leaving. Yesterday our own school leader noted gruffly that other principals in other schools and Districts seemed to delight in poaching his most accomplished faculty.
And Mother’s Day is Coming
I broke down and made peace with my mother. That means I have to see her for mother’s day. My daughter Tiara and I made a plan to take her out to lunch. I feel rather sheepish that I backed down on my claim that I would never speak to her again. The break with Mom happened last year over her harboring of my ex-husband Leo after the divorce. She did a lot of hurtful stuff at that time.
But my brother Noah had been getting on my case about it. I don’t think of myself as being a bigger person now, this move is more political. I get to be thought of as a bigger person. I feel like a sellout, to tell the truth.
But yeah, I decided to let it go.
Now we just have to pick a restaurant.
Spring Can Be Lonely
Learning that we will lose friends at work reminds me how spring can be lonely. I find myself feeling more than usual the fact that I am, well, alone. I got through Valentine’s Day all right, but that was only one day, this is a whole season in which it seems everyone has someone, but you.
Of course, as I reflect on this, I realize that I am not really trying very hard to meet someone. I could do more.
I drive around town listing to John Mayer CD’s and reflect on his complaints about one or more failed romances and cry and then tell myself I have to stop, it’s maudlin, and what’s more, it’s unproductive.
One Needs to Remember: Springtime a Season of Hope
This is the thing I shouldn’t forget. Symbolically, Springtime is a season of hope.
It’s also a time that we reflect and grow into a better version of ourselves.
Last week I spent a lot of time gathering the pine needles from under the tree so that you could see the rock garden. I feel like that’s what I need to do with my whole life: clean out the detritus of the past so I can see what is still current, still important, still viable.
This spring my reflection is that my self perceptions are too tied up in the past. I look in the mirror, on a good day, and I think, “All right! you look pretty good.” But on a not so good day, I look in the mirror and think “Shouldn’t you have figured out how to escape from your same old problems by now?”
And that is the demon I am trying to fight today. I have to root out an idea still buried deep in my psyche. This is an idea that says I should still worry, stay in the winter of my discontent, and remember disasters that happened a long time ago.
This is not the way it’s supposed to be! It is not the way it’s supposed to be for any of us. Not for me, and not for you. Our answers are found in the future, not the past.
The Seeds of Our Future Are Ours to Plant
The seeds of self care and reaching out to others that we plant today will grow into those future answers and experiences. That’s what I want to say about springtime most of all. It is a season of casting off the past, growing into the future, and thinking of things which could be, even if they never were before.
That is my springtime meditation today.