So my son came to me the other day. “You’ve gotta watch this,” he said.
Apparently this Dr. Squatch soap is all the rage with the young men set. Apparently the brand has enjoyed a 400 percent growth in revenue, arguably because of their approachable YouTube advertising. Watching the video, I developed the following mini-essay about what young men care about in terms of grooming.
Be it resolved:
- They are men, dammit and they don’t use those soaps for women and children.
- They are men, therefore they use tools, and they want the right tool for the job, even if the job is taking a bath and the tool is soap.
- Young men want to be seen as rugged, outdoors types, so much outdoors types that they’re unfazed when Bigfoot hands them the soap.
- But even though they’re rugged, they still want to choose their own scent, be it Piney Woods or Bay Rum.
- Young men aren’t supposed to cry at movies, but then, if there’s a really special movie, they might.
- Young men are interested in history and science, but only for about 15 seconds, and when illustrated with interesting props and costumes. Helps if someone is hit with liquid soap during the process.
- Humor about sexual potency is welcome, as long as the joked-about condition is fixable by using the right soap. And it is! Just use Dr. Squatch! (No more detail. Watch the video)
- Real men are not afraid when Bigfoot reaches out to grab their soap. They tell him “No,” as if here were a dog or a small child.
- And when all else fails, real men are not afraid to pretend, very coyly, to be doing the same come-on types behavior more common with women in ads — popping up from behind a tree in nothing but a towel and murmuring, “it makes you feel like you just stepped out of a mountain stream … ” but then, just to make sure you know they’re not serious, they are still men, dammit, a furry arm comes out of the side of the frame, “and Squatch is there to hand you the towel.”
The above YouTube video had, when I wrote this blog post, 115,000,000 views. “Tens of thousands of men already soap-scribe,” says the pitchman, “and they get soap every month in their mailbox …. “
It’s a whole new version of book-of-the-month club. Just with soap. And Bigfoot.
“This is really great soap, it’s got goat milk and oatmeal!” Says my son. “Plus, it’s really expensive.” (Now that makes it good? But the YouTube video explains that with all these natural ingredients, naturally it’s $7 a bar).
I go up and smell . The truth is, he does smell good. Kind like … pine.
“Well,” I say. “It has a good scent. I admit. But where’s Bigfoot?“
It turns out Bigfoot is just a come-on. Dr. Squatch is not made in the woods by furry primates, but indeed, in Marina Del Rey, California. I’m so disappointed.
But my son is not. Who knows what he’s planning on doing, now that he smells like Pine Tar?